Rogue Shadow

If I had to write down the 10 things I hate,

Your name’s not on the list.

But I hate how I’m not there to warm you from winter’s hiss.

If I had to write down the 10 things I fear,

Your name’s not on the list.

But I fear I cannot follow you down into Death’s Abyss.

If I had to write down the 10 things I regret,

Your name’s not on the list.

But I regret the times we fought and I left your eyes a-mist

If I had to write down the 10 things I’d give up,

You’re name’s not on the list.

But I’d give up the world and all of it’s pleasures to realize your wishes.

If I had to write down the 10 things I love most,

Your name’s not on the list.

For you can hardly call it that when your name is all it says.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually blogged. I’ve either been too busy, or too blah to write. But since Ian can’t chat online, and we’re currently chatting through emails at 2.18 am, I figured I’d write to pass the time.

A lot has been up since my last post. So here’s a brief update.

We wrapped filming TALENTIME with Yasmin Ahmad on August 30th in Ipoh. Had a grand time there. It was like a vacation, with real family. Met and fell in love with alla the people there. The beautiful boys: Mahesh, Kahoe, Hafiz, and yes, even comel Melkin, and of course, cheeky Chip. And then there were the gorgeous Pamela (who plays Melur) and Amelia (Melati). We really were sisters! And we turned that “accomodation” into well, believe it or not, home.

Days when we crashed the mall, our movie dates, both at the cinema and in the boys room(as in bilik boys, not mens room, noobs.) Staying up all night, having them come to my rescue when my net fucked up so I could talk to Ian. Or clever Melati who salvaged my ring. Days when we laughed and cried. And there was dancing! I miss Loges’s van and his tunes!

When we went for dubbing last night, and met up with some of them, I’m reminded of why I don’t have to think twice about getting alla my friends to watch this movie. It’s not just that it’s an awesome story with heart stopping great acting (i mean from the other flers), behind the film, is a fabulous crew. And this movie has love and honesty just pouring out from the people to the screen.

Tonight, I cooked for my boys, Tainted Covenant. Cooking is a joy of mine, and I think people bond best over good food. Thankfully, they seemed to enjoy the break fast. It was my way of celebrating them and thanking them for being such good friends. Theyre gonna go far, I believe. And we got Iriz a guitar to replace his old one that got busted. I’m just glad he’s gonna be playing again.

As some of you may have heard, Mama’s cancer has spread to her lungs and liver. They found 4 lumps, 2 in the right lung, 1 in the left lung near the heart,and 1 in her liver. Technically, that puts her in Stage 4, the final stage. According to one of her medical advisors (I refuse to call the bastard a doctor), her treatment is now palliative. He had the nerve to tell my mother to prepare for her final days.

But Mama’s optimistic. She wants to live for another 20 years, and you know what? Who’s to say she won’t? She wants to see Ines and I marry and see her grandchildren (yeah, no pressure, Sayang) Whatever it is, I just hope that whatever may come, that I’d be strong enough to face it.

With you lovelies in my life, hopefully I will.

"The big TWO ONE, eh?" they all ask excitedly. Was today much different than it was yesterday than it will be tomorrow? Or is it just an excuse to get free gifts and for mom to have lobster?

I put on my biggest smile. Dolled myself and peppered me in perfume. I can hear the mirror saying "You look gorgeous, babe. Even if it isn’t you".  The past few days had been a shit storm, and my birthday seemed less and less exciting as it approached. I told them, I don’t want a surprise this year. It will just depress me coz Ian wouldn’t be here.

I managed to call him, and for those brief minutes, I genuinely smiled for the first time in 3 weeks. But that would be the last I would hear from him until the next 4 months, for he will be in Missouri (yes, I’m aware of the irony of the pronunciation of the place and my current state) for training.

As I tried to sleep that night, I recall the times we gazed at the moon from the Roof Top Theater. There were hardly any stars, but the moon was always ever so loyal.
It was as if the nights would veil us from all others, and in our solitude, we would cry without shame, or laugh without care. I remembered how we held hands to comfort each other’s fear. How we wished we were a million miles away from here. So we would no longer need the night to veil us. In that moment, we were free.

That feeling of sheer liberty was absent that night I turned 21. The myth is that this is the year you get your key of freedom. But I went to bed that night and awoke in the same cage. Pretense, judgment and expectations engulf the dreams of this urchin.

It’s not that I want to sound ungrateful to my family and friends, who have been doing their best to celebrate, and I appreciate it. But at times, I look into their eyes and I see sympathy, and I feel they believe me to be pathetic. Immediately, the shackles are strapped on, and I fall helpless.

I wish for those nights when we were free.

When Isma called to inform me of what had transpired, I felt sick. I felt disgusted that someone would have the heart to resort to what he had done. Most people think this will all blow over, and I believe that. But in the meantime, there is my name and my mother’s associated with porn on fuckin youtube. 

So I went and did the impulsive thing. I retaliated. Chose the same medium he did to speak up for myself. Other’s may say I am classless, and should just be silent. "People already know he’s an idiot, you need not use a public domain to remind them. " "It’s bad form".

And I agree. Whole heartedly. In retrospect, I was just as childish as he was. I was just as unprofessional as he was.

But after what he did with his post on youtube, the effect was no longer professional. It was personal. He didn’t just take a nab at me, he had smeared my mother’s good name with his actions. And although I know people know better, it felt wrong for me to simply keep quiet.  People are looking me up simply because they think they are going to watch my mother’s daughter get raped. What would you do if someone did that to your mother?

So here is my public apology to all the people at Malaysian Cinema. Because my post was irrelevant to the industry. I had taken up your time, to simply read me rant. This will be my last post on your site regarding this matter. I promise. Thank you.

It’s been two weeks now since Ian left to join the US Army. I hadn’t felt like writing much since. In fact, I hadn’t felt like doing anything at all, save scrambling for the PC for our online dates (which are never certain, mostly ad hoc). I’d stay at home all day, and when I convince myself I’d be better outside, I regret it when I put on them shoes. Because being outside, everything reminds me of him. Hell, even at home, it’s like my day was arranged to merely go through our memories. It doesn’t help that I haven’t started working yet after the last fiasco of a telemovie. And all the time, I’m thinking "I’ll get through this. I’ll be fine. It’s like he’s just stuck at home in Balakong".

Did I mention it’s only been two weeks?

I’m becoming bitter and closed off. I don’t feel like talking, hanging, goofing off. Yesterday I practically forced Ines through an hour’s walk to 7-11. She was clueless as to why I was so insistent, especially since we discovered the route we took was too dangerous to cycle on, so we had to walk with our bikes the whole way. She kept suggesting we turn back. I kept saying "we’re almost there!" There was this truck that just stopped in front of us, at the side of the road, just to stare and scare. Ines was terrified. I could see it. But I kept pushing on.

Ines asked me later why I didn’t want to turn around. At that moment, for the life of me, I just didn’t know. In my head, I knew it was a bad idea. Mom would’ve killed me. So why didn’t I?

At first I thought, I just needed to walk and clear my thoughts. Distract myself, sweat and convince myself I’m doing it to lose weight. But then it dawned upon me, that it was a physical manifestation of what I’m doing here with Ian. So many people have been telling me "You’re out of your mind, El. A long distance relationship? Over FOUR years, AT LEAST?" With confidence, and I admit, a bit of cockiness, I said "We will cross the bridge when we get there. But until then, why quit?"

As I recall the route we took, it was winding and long. Cars zooming past really close to us (not like they didn’t have a whole fucking lane for themselves, but Malaysian drivers are assholes). Potholes and rocks. We even saw a dead baby snake. Was this a sign? I saw the fear in Ines’s face. I knew it reflected how I really felt inside, despite me telling her to not be such a baby. And now, I feel that fear was never physical, never about going to 7-11. It was a fear more real, more deep than that.

I am scared shitless over Ian and I being apart.

In 11 days, Ian enters boot camp. We will not have contact for at least four months. Thats approximately ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DAYS. I go crazy if I don’t get to see him online for just 1 day. And he won’t be off doing  crap like Khidmat Negara. This is fucking military boot camp. And he will be doing combat engineering. AND he’s getting airborne. So that would be 120 nights of me NOT sleeping.

But something restored (although at time it does falter) my strength and faith. Something made me believe we would both get through this. Something guaranteed me that even if I fall, I will get right back up and just dust myself off. Something told me "You’ll be just fine".

Slurpee.

That’s right. SLURPEE. When I had that first sip of ice cold sugary goodness quenching my drought stricken throat and cooling down my blazing sweaty body, I thought "That was worth it." And I finally felt the wind blow on my face that before I had not realized as I was too tired, too afraid. But I kept pushing myself because I knew I had to to get to that Slurpee. And got to it, we did. Something we wouldn’t have got if we had turned around.

So, was it a sign? Well, I’ll read it as one. Because "Nobody said it was easy. Noone ever said it would be so hard." I knew it was gonna be tough. I just had no idea HOW difficult it was going to be exactly. It was a lot more easier said than done. And at times the temptation to quit and turn around is very hard to resist, because the road seems way too long.

But I will not allow my fear, my fatigue, my family, my friends to let the wind escape me. I will feel every breeze through that uphill climb. Bring on the potholes and dead baby snakes.

Coz I won’t quit till I get that Slurpee.

I started acting at age 3. I have followed my mom, brother and sister to their various sets whenever possible. I’ve been involved in film, television, stage and even radio productions. I’m not trying to blow my own trumpet, but I’d say for a 21 year old, I’m already a veteran in this field, with involvements in acting, writing and directing as well as production management.

For the past month, whenever my friends ask me what I’m up to, I say "I’m working with a production from hell". Because that’s what it was. I had never been part of such a shiteous production before. We didn’t have a schedule. Actors were told to come to set at 7.30 am only to wait for their scene to be shot at 4pm. Wardrobe was very much sendiri-mau-ingat. We did not have anyone monitoring continuity (for editing purposes as scenes are not shot in sequence). My female co star and I were asked to go all the way to Kajang to meet our wardrobe sponsor only to reach there and find it is a men’s suit tailor. Some actors were asked to come early and not have their scene shot at all due to poor non-existent time management.

You know you’ve got trouble when you’re in a telemovie titled "WIRASISWI". Hell, their buyer, Astro wanted it changed, and the only other title the production can come up with is Resolusi Gen Y. Whatever the fuck that is. So we stuck with Wirasiswi. Yuck.

The director had no storyboard, no shot list, av script, basic planning at all. He took a dozen more shots than necessary for ONE character in a part of a scene. We shot one scene in 4 different locations. Whereas they could have all been in one day. The actors were never briefed as to what they should do for that shot. We had to keep asking, and every time he would pause, look around, and then come up with some lame movement pattern for us. I had to ask the cameraman each time as to what happens in the shot. During so called stunt scenes, the stunt coordinators directed the camera angles instead of teaching stunts to the actors. Some got badly bruised as the kicks and punches were real. I had a near sunstroke as they shot ONE part of a scene (just motorcyclists circling me) from 9am  - 1pm. The camera crew were confused as they kept receiving different directions from 4-5 different people. We shot till wee hours of the morning, which I’m normally fine with, but most of it was taking unnecessary shots. I was eaten alive by mosquitoes and other bugs as we were shooting by the edge of the water of this swamp turned lake in Cyberjaya late at night, and no citronella oil, insect repellent or even a mosquito coil was provided. And since the actors are never told which scenes will be shot for the day, we were unprepared as well. What if it was a breeding ground of Aedes mosquitoes?

The rest of the cast and spectacular camera crew were great. But the producer, director, assistant director and production manager were leading the train, and what a trainwreck!I kept thinking I’m learning all the things I know NOT to do in a production. I haven’t cursed so much in my life and meant it.

In spite of all this, I had a wonderful experience. I made a lot of new friends and created a very close bond with them. They were the ones who kept me sane, smiling and laughing my butt off, as well as restrained me from a murder spree. They shared my frustrations, they shared some of my very private moments. They were my brothers. my sisters, my lovers, my pillars. They even got along great with Ian. For all this, I am grateful. Through that pile of dung that is the Wirasiswi production, beautiful flowers grew from it.

To Isma, I feel guilty every time I see you get screwed over by these people, as I was the one who brought you into this mess. But for the friendship we created, I do not regret recommending you. I still honestly believe no one else could have carried that part. I think our chemistry was explosive, and I could feel like you were my sister.

To Verloren, you really ARE lovable! You’re a trove of stories. Others may think you’re a queen, but you’d always be my king, man! I’ve never met someone who’s had experience like Ian and not turn out, well, like Ian! He found a friend in his final days in Malaysia. Thank you for that.

To my Maximo, you must be the most good looking bodyguard an actor in Malaysia can get, and I got you! You didn’t have to, but you took care of me like a brother would, and kept me calm and very well hydrated. :p Thanks for being there for that scene. I would’ve been a total mess otherwise. You took care of me in Ian’s stead, and both him and my mom are glad someone was there to look out for me.

To Sonny, you rock my world ,la. Not only are you fantastic at beautifying me, you gave me a lot of great advice about facing this world. Albeit your cynicism, you spoke to me like we’ve been friends for ages and you cared for my happiness. Plus you gave me free clothes, so how can I not love you?

To the camera crew, I learnt patience and tolerance from all of you. The crew is always the most hardworking buncha people with hardly any breaks, yet you get paid the least and are so forgettable in this industry. I feel honoured that you guys treated me as a friend, what with putting shooting equipments in my handbag, jokingly accusing me of stealing things to set up my own production, and of course, the relentless teasing of Ian being in the Philippines. Abang semua best ah.

Lastly, to my dear ‘cik Helmi. Dalam sunyi awak, awak kongsi satu kisah yang saya tak akan lupa. Saya tak akan pergi jauh. Saya kat sini. Saya janji saya tak akan dan tak pernah tipu awak. Terima kasih, babe.

So to my sahabats, thank you for this. May you all find the success and joy you search for.

I don’t want you to go.

I want to be with you,

wherever it is.

I want to cook you breakfast.

Wear nothing but your jersey when we watch NHL.

Do our taxes.

Tie your shoelaces.

Make the bed,

Hold you when you cry.

Kiss you goodnight,

Everynight,

For the rest of your life.

I want you, Ian Tracy.

So very much.

I want my Sayang,

I love you.

On sms. But I figure you won’t be able to bring your phone along with you. So here it is for you to read whenever. I love you, Wonderful.

I am not proud of myself for many things. One of which is my cowardice.

I grew up with an actor mother, and that naturally means gay men and women are a normal part of my life. One would think that that would omit any possibility of prejudice toward them on my part.

And although I do not hate or fear them, I sometimes barely catch myself looking at someone and at least mentally labeling them as gay. I have even joked at how it’s cool that I have a a pretty precise gay-dar. I’ve expressed how I have no problem with gay people, as  long as they’re not my family. Because then it would be awkward.

I come from a Muslim family in an Islamic nation. One that blows it’s own trumpet by thinking of themselves as forward and liberal, when in actual fact the hidden truth is much more grotesque then one could imagine. Homosexuality is not allowed to be discussed openly in our local cinema, save if the gay man "reflects upon his sinful ways and repents".

Reading PerezHilton, I stumbled upon a video of Larry King, speaking about a 15 year old boy who shares his name, and was shot dead by a classmate while sitting in class, reportedly for being gay. Hundreds of thousands of students have taken a vow of silence today, as they have for the past 12 years to fight against discrimination of the LGBT community. Their silence today is dedicated to Larry.

I missed the day as I only found out about it tonight, but I felt I needed to do something. Somewhere, at least one person is reading this, even if it is only myself, and this post will hopefully allow that person to "reflect upon HIS sinful ways and repent". To undo this mistake we have been making, and that is intolerance.

Today, I ask forgiveness from those of you who I have so inconsiderately judged, even if you hadn’t known it. I have been stupid, I have been a coward, I have been inhumane, for not acknowledging you for who you are- One of Us.

Do your part.

End The Silence.

Of your laughter

Of your tears

Of your humor

Of your fears

Of words you’ve spoken

Of songs you’ve sung

Of your hopes and dreams

Of our battles won

Of your childhood tales

Of your warm embrace

Of your late night calls

Of your thrilling ways

Of your stride, your steps

Of your tenderness

Of your eyes, your smile

Of your warm scent

Of time spent with me

Of time spent apart

Of how you’ve nursed and healed

My broken heart

Of these memories

I shall cherish

And our love

Will never perish.