Rogue Shadow

Lying down on a barren land

Felt so cold without the touch of your hand

And as my toes carress the sand

I try my best to understand

Why I’m here, Where You’ve gone

Are you listening to this song

How my face fades in your eyes

Why I stayed, Why You said goodbye

* Tonight, Tonight

I’ll listen to the radio

And hope to hear you sing

Tonight, Tonight

I’m trying to figure out

What this sadness means to me…

What it means to me.

The stars are silent and the moon is dark

The empty snow fills my aching heart

The fire’s flames burn the picture frames

And your fear erased my name

I’m still here, Still alone

Waiting by the telephone

Holding on to eternity

Until you come back to me,

But…

*

Lying down on a barren land

Trying my best to understand…

For Sayang.

Remember back in school, there was a daily session where the doa was read before class starts, or when the day ended? On mondays, the doa was extra long. These prayers were filled with ‘poetic’ words and jargons and in olde English. "Shine our hearts as bright as the moon and stars" and what have you. My question is, WHY? Why must we fill our prayers with so called poetry? To impress God?(coz if that’s the case, I think we’re failing miserably. Fuck, I’M not impressed!) Why can’t we insert honesty and truth in our words? Use the language we normally do so we don’t end up sounding like some Shakespeare wannabes. It’s not like God won’t understand us if we spoke in fuckin normal English.Is it because the Holy Books were written that way? Well, DUH! They spoke that way then and poetry was written that way, so the Holy Books were also written that way,lah! It was the language that people were familiar with THEN. If the Bible was first written in The Bronx in the year 2000, it’d probably be in ghetto English, so that people understand it(no offense to Christians). To respect Him, then? Calling him Thou instead of You is suppose to represent our RESPECT? If that is all it takes, then heaven is a sure thing for me. I don’t have to work hard, it seems. Is it respectful to speak to him in words that are alien to ourselves? I mean, who prays like that when you’re alone- just you and Him? Listening to these doas, I dont feel like God is going to bless our days at all- none of us are part of that prayer. Half the time we’re not even listening to it because at the back of our minds, we’re thinking "Nope, that ain’t how I wud’ve said it." If God was listening, he’d probably say "Oh, for My sake, Get to the FREAKING point! I’ve got the rest of the world to listen to!" Ok, maybe not in those words, but you get the picture. When will we get the idea that what impresses our superiors does not necessarily impress our Creator.Who are we trying to kid, anyway?

He’s watching you…dum-Dum-DUM!!!!

I was talking to one of my classmates(who’s fast becoming a good friend and my writing mentor), and he shared with me some of the hardships he went through in his past. I found out that my trials are NOTHING compared to what he has gone through. I’m always complaining how my life is so bloody dramatic, how I’m living and burning in a slow hell, how life isn’t fair- you get the picture. Yet, here he sits, telling me his stories so matter-of-factly, it seemed almost emotionless. Only it wasn’t. You know that deep down inside, some wounds still bleed. Still, he managed to tell me his story with a smile. He ALWAYS smiles. How can so much pain in the past still allow him to smile today? His writing is brilliant. There’s so much darkness, depth, intensity, but most of all honesty. If I went through what he had, I would put on a huge mask to hide my fears and pains- not be honest about it. You begin to look at things differently when you see the world through somebody else’s eyes, and listening with somebody else’s ears. I thought I had it bad- but I am so bloody lucky. I’m so fucking lucky, I don’t know the half of it. So to those who have contributed to my life being a much, much happier one than I had realized, THANK YOU.

" If someone says Life is Hard, ask them - Compared to what? "

" Tak usahlah sedih, Pak Dan" my mum said, watching my granduncle cry as we sat there eating nasi impit and kuah kacang. " Nak buat lagu mana? Dah dia nak keluaq" he said of his tears. This is my first meeting with him in all my 18 years of living. My Tok Dan is blind now, and with only one leg, like my late grandfather. He had on his wuduk, so he couldn’t salam me, let alone hug me,and he couldn’t see me. But I could see him. And loneliness was what greeted my sight. Same as when I saw Tok Chu Guan, my grandaunt. She looked a lot like my late grandmother, only Tok Chu is merrier. "Bila Elza nak mai tidoq ghumah Tok Su?" she asked. I was silent. She stayed in that big house all by herself. Sometimes she needed strangers to come and help shop her groceries. Where was I? "Depa dah tak mai jumpa Pak Dan dah" he said to my mum. "Yelah, depa semua sibuk, Pak Dan" mum justified. "Ha-ah.Sibuk cari duit" he said with a small laugh. It cut me real deep. We are all too busy now, in the name of survival,and at the expense of our loved ones. My grandmother died 3 days before raya, 2 years ago. Although I spent the whole day with her, a day before she died, that was not enough to compensate for all those times I was too busy or too lazy for her. Raya is no longer the same for me. I am filled with guilt, and even after we beraya and ask for forgiveness, I know I had contributed to my loved ones’ loneliness.Now Raya will never be the same for them, too.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin, from the bottom of my heart. To all.