Rogue Shadow

The weatherman says goodnight, the Empire State Building’s turning off it’s lights, the refrigerator
stops, and suddenly it’s quiet.
I never noticed the ceilings were so low, I never saw all the cracks on the window, I never saw
myself as sentimental, but here I go.

Without you, I’ve been standing ’round like a statue, laying on the floor thinking about you, I talk
to myself like the crazies do, otherwise I’m great, what about you?

Ain’t nothing going on here but the rent, I can’t account for how my days are spent, I wanna draw the
line between who I am and who I invent.

Without you, I’ve been standing ’round like a statue, laying on the floor thinking about you, I talk
to myself like the crazies do, otherwise I’m great, what about you?

Yea, what about you?
The weatherman says blue skies but it’s raining like the clouds all decided to cry, and every time
you hurt me I say "it’s all right it’s all right it’s all right".

Without you, I’ve been standing ’round, you’re like a statue, laying on the couch all day like cats
do, waiting for the phone to ring, but it won’t ring,

Without you, I’ve been standing ’round like a statue, laying on the floor thinking about you, I talk
to myself like the crazies do, otherwise I’m great, what about you?

What about you?
What about you?
Yea you, what about you?

Low Millions. Currently depicting almost exactly how I feel. No sarcasm. I miss you. So much.

Dear You,

Firstly, I thank You for reading this. The fact that You took the time to actually check my blog already means a lot. In this letter, I merely wish to express my heart and share it with the world, I hope You don’t mind. I will begin from, well, the beginning. When we first met, as You and me, we knew little about each other. But we knew us. We knew that somehow, there was more to it than You and I, we were part of Us. I felt You opening up your heart and inviting me in, as did I. The room we walked into was a beautiful room, filled with joy, security, a sense of belonging, and most of all, Love. And all along the walls, were portraits of our happy moments to come. Alas, not one painting depicted the pain I was about to bring You. Not one portrait depicted Your fears. I was fooled to think I could make You happy. I decided to decorate the room with elements of me, not once considering how You would like the room to look like. But instead of making the room a better place, I tore down the walls and ceilings and windows, and You were left exposed, with the rain falling down upon Your tear-stained cheeks. I finished with burning the whole house down to the ground and You became a pile of ashes: of pain, of regret, of anger and of loneliness. Now I am homeless, and You are gone. I came into Your life and destroyed You. No matter how many apologies I scatter with Your ashes, You will never be free of this pain that I cast upon You. But I do pray that the Heavens will build You a far more beautiful home, with an Angel that would care for You and bring You joy, as I have failed. Before I go, I would like to thank You for building a beautiful room for Us, but my selfishness and ignorance towards You had killed us both. I am infinitely sorry. I know it seems unbelievable saying this after what I had done to You, but I say this in all honesty, I Love YOU.

Unworthy,

Me. 

I was checking out Syar’s blog the other day where she listed down 100 things about herself. Let’s see how far my list goes.Not in order.

1- My full name is Elza Irdalynna, but a lot of other people have trouble even with just Elza, so I’ve asked everyone outside the family to call me El.

2-Some still have trouble with just El.

3-Yes, am related to Azean Irdawaty; I’m her daughter. That would make Benjy my brother.So stop asking me “awak anak pelakon,eh?”.

4-I get pissed off when people refer to me as “anak Kak Yan” or “adik Benjy”. I’m El, dammit!

5- I’m a Gemini, so I’m always either super happy, or super pissed off. Hardly ever in between.

6-I’m known to speak with accents, though I don’t do it consciously. When I get pissed, I tend to go British(hey, I don’t know! It happens,k?)

7-I do not consider myself to be Melayu, because I’m still trying to figure out what makes a person Melayu,besides blood.

8-Right now when people ask me if I’m Malay, I say “No, I’m an Artist.”

10-Last I checked, I’m 4 ft 11.5″. Half an inch to bloody 5ft,dammit! *update: i AM 5ft now. Mwahahaha!!!

11-I can’t swim.

12-I’m the Burp Queen. That’s right. A lot of gas for a little girl.

13-I’m allergic to alcohol.That’s why I don’t drink.

14-I can hardly breathe when someone smokes around me.That’s why I don’t smoke.

15-I saw what drugs did to my brother, that’s why I’ll never do drugs.

16- That leaves only one vice…which I’m not allergic to.

17-Attempted suicide 4 times. Evidently,still here. That was stupid.

18-Was mildly anorexic and bullimic. Not to stay thin(I’m 38 kilos), but out of depression.

19- I’m a chronic insomniac. This doesn’t just mean I can’t sleep, but I wake up many times in the middle of the night. Almost hourly.

20- I worship Viggo Mortensen. I’m telling you, a man that hot cannot be mortal.

21-I tend to go for older men. Al Pacino is one hot sugar daddy!

22-I have a fantasy of lying down in an open space naked in the rain with my man/woman.

23-Yes, I’m bisexual.But I haven’t acted upon either sex.Don’t know if this is going to be permanent.

24-I have a guitar named Adam.You are to refer to him as Adam and never as “the Guitar”.

25-I dunno how to play Adam.(or any other guitar for that matter. Learning very slowly)

26-I would name my first car Eve.

27-I don’t have my driver’s liscence yet, but I got full marks for my Undang test, and fucking proud of it! *update: I now have an actual license. Not a P one. But I still don’t drive.

28-I would like to have a beach wedding. It’d be all white;I’m in an off white sundress and my man in a white hawaiian shirt with a beige dragon print at the back and white bermudas.I’ve got it all planned out.Evidently, I have way too much times on my hands.

29-Yet I’m always too busy.

30-I also have my kids’ names planned out. *updated: They’re Michael Adam, or Keith Eisham. The girls are either Niela Aurora, or Alaniz Nurya.

31-New York is my favourite place in the whole world even though I’ve never been there. But it’s where I wanna be.

32-I want to do my degree in Performing Arts at Columbia University, New York. Even though they say it’s almost impossible to get in. But I just found out that they only offer Masters for transfer students in Columbia, so I’m planning on going to Rhode Island.

35-I want to be an internationally acclaimed artiste, be it in acting, writing or directing.

36-I would also like to have a go at singing, despite my infamous “All You Wanted” wreck back in Form 3. I’m a living legend because of that now.

37-I have a thing for drummers. 3/6 of my exs are drummers. It’ not like I go looking for drummers, this is all coincidence.

38-My musical icon is Robbie Williams.I would like to meet him one day and just say”Thank you for the music”.

39-If there was one actor I would like to work with, either in acting or directed by him, he would be Al Pacino.

40-I’m afraid of looking at the window at night.

41-I’m afraid of heights. *update: I’ve conquered this fear.

42-I’m slightly claustrophobic.

43-My favourite food at McD’s is their french fries dipped in chocolate sundae.Nyum!

44-I love walking barefoot. Come to Sunway College and you’ll see me shoeless.

45-If you’re lucky, you’ll se me other-garment-less as well at Sunway. Okay, maybe that means you’re Un-lucky.Whatever.

46-I cry listening to songs about fathers, such as Butterfly Kisses, Will Smith’s Just the Two of Us, Dance with My Father, I’m Ok and most recently Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions Of a Broken Heart.

47-I can’t stand seeing men cry.I’ll just bawl my eyes out.Exhibit a: I Am Sam.Damn you Sean Penn, Damn You!

48-I’m a junkie for dangling earrings.You know what to get me for my birthday.

49-It’s impossible to get rings that can fit my fingers. *update: on my birthday, Ian got me a ring, and it just barely fits my finger.

50-My dream accessory is the Evenstar, the pendant Arwen gave to Aragorn.

51-I miscalculated my A’s during PMR. I thought I got 6 instead of 7A’s.If Syar didn’t point that out…Hahahahahha!

52-I’m mildly technophobic.

53-I hide a lot of things from my family.What your momma don’t know wont hurt her.Or you.

54-My pet’s name is Ong, and I swear it’s human.

55-My poems are mostly melancholy.

56-I am bestowed with another name- Putri Anjila Sari,by my godfather.Yes, i have a godfather, but he has nothing to do with a mafia group.

57-I often hide my emotions. But once I let go; tear fest. Drama Queen is my middle name.

58-I’m scared of big vehicles and white vans(because in films, they ALWAYS kidnap you in a white van).

59-I’m physically agressive when I’m pissed off. Known to throw things and most recently; slap a guy.

60-I allow my boyfriend to date other girls while he’s with me. I don’t want him to feel caged. Only one rule: TELL me. If I find out by any other means; you are dead.

61-I am terribly insecure about my looks. When someone tells me I’m pretty, I am convinced they’re lying.

62-I’ve been told that I intimidate men. What I do?!

63-One of my sexual fantasies is with John Malkovich’s portrayal of Mr Hyde. Really dark and morbid.

64-My favourite car is a Forrester. Coming close to that is the new Mini Cooper.

65-I act in front of the mirror and before I go to sleep.

66-Ice cream gives me 3/4 of an orgasm.I swear, if ice cream was a man, I’d ask him to get on the floor and fuck him there and then.

67-My favourite colour is yellow. It just cannot make you sad looking at it.

68-I do not believe that guys need to make the first move. But I do believe they have to continue to make moves, even after you’ve scored. I have been making all the first moves.

69-I’ve got two scars(on my elbow and knee) as a result of an action reacting towards my infatuation with 2 guys. Nature’s way of telling me: Stop chasing guys! Evidently, I didn’t learn the first time.

70-If I weren’t doing performance, I’d do photography.

71-Some of my books are from my school library. They weren’t stolen. They were “differently acquired”.

72-On my wedding- I would like to sing Shania Twain’s From This Moment. Then the guests would dance to the instrumental version of the theme from Romeo and Juliet(not Leo’s version)

73-I’m quite a good cook. And I love cooking. So long as my mum ain’t in the kitchen.

74-I’ve considered running away many times, and still am.

75-I may sound like I hate my mother, but I don’t. She just doesn’t know me, and doesn’t bother to.

76-I want twins.

77-If I wanted to fix something with my body, it’d be my complexion and my teeth. Nothing else.

78-Lizzie Mcguire is my guilty pleasure. Gordo is so cute!

79-I’ve got excellent friends. I often forget how a day out with my girlfriends is a perfect cure for heartbreaks.

80-I would like to do a duet with Lee Hom.

81-I would one day like to go red head. But not exactly ginger. Kinda like Lindsay’s.

82-I am into this thing my friend dubbed “cellular poetry”. I basically write poetry on my cell and forward them to people.

83-I am currently on a protein diet. I avoid carbs.This is because my blood type is O+.People with type O have thin stomach lining. There’s more to work on with protein.I don’t mix my carbs and protein because your digestive juices for carbs and protein are released seperately, and they’d get confused if you mix them together.Therefore, you will develop a tummy.I also do not drink until 10 minutes after a meal to avoid diluting my digestive juices that would result in me developing a tummy. This is not to stay thin, this is to stay fit. My body is my tool for my art. I need to take care of it

84-Ever since a recent agenda in my life, there was a moment of depression that I went through. I no longer cared about my appearance. In fact, I went to school in my pajamas, once.

85-I feel better now. Or at least I take good care about my health and appearances.I try to be more friendly and outgoing, and so far, loving the results!

86-I love writing. But I can’t write on cue. Inspiration needs to kick in, and usually, music is my muse. Or a lover.

87-I love children. If I could, I wanna be a mother now.

89-This list was made over the course of 2 months. And still being updated.

90-My biggest fear is being alone.

91-I was nicknamed the shoe-lady back in highschool for flicking my shoe off to the ceiling when I was pissed during one of our drama rehearsals. I was 13.

92-My favourite thing to do is laughing out loud. Most of the time, I freak people out when I do that.

93-When I check guys out, I look at their eyes, jawline, posture, and most weirdly, their knuckles. I have a thing for sexy knuckles.

94-My friends think I’m gutsy, but really, I’m petrified about a lot of things.I just hide it well.

95-I don’t sketch much, but when I do, I like to sketch a teary eye or a dead tree.

96-I can hardly go out without putting on make-up.I feel ugly. But lately, since I got with Ian, i feel confident without make-up.

97-My friends tell me I think too much.I believe I just feel too little.

98-I am vulnerable to pain. It’s like I invite drama into my life. This is because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

99-I believe that the the fundamental element in any relationship is honesty. Especially to yourself. I make it a point to ask new friends to be honest with me at all costs.

100-I appreciate you reading this.Thank you.