Rogue Shadow

" You’re plunging in too deep, Elza". And I don’t even know how to swim. And I don’t know if I will drown, or turn into a mermaid and live in your underwater world. I feel like I’m wading in what seems to be a clear shallow river, not knowing that the sand beneath me is going to sink, and there are rapids and a huge waterfall ahead, and I am going to plunge head first, into God knows what, and only God knows if you’ll be there at the end of it.

I don’t want to force anything. I never intended for this to be so serious, so deep, even if it may be only on my side. At times I feel the only reason you’re around is because you feel obliged to, and that is not what I want this to be for you- an obligation. I find myself being so afraid that you will up and leave like they always do. And I want to do whatever I can to ensure that that won’t happen, but nothing I do can guarantee that. I tried taking things one step at a time, but each step is leading to your goodbye. If before, paranoia got the best of me, and I was constantly afraid of the possibility of them leaving, with you I must prepare for something definite.

And it hurts even more because I know this time it’s for sure, and I can’t escape it. It hurts even more because everything is going so smoothly, and I have never been so happy and at peace with things. And now there isn’t a moment where I can fully enjoy being with you because ultimately, I have to say goodbye to it. I know I cannot hold on to you. "You worry too much". How can I not? How do I honestly prepare myself to when I say goodbye to you? How does one say goodbye to someone she loves so dearly? I know it sounds mush, and you don’t do mush, but I honestly do not know how else to say it.

At times I feel this was a mistake. And I get so angry at you for coming into my life and making things so beautiful for me, only to leave me shortly after. But when I look into those eagle eyes of yours, I hate you even more, because it is so painful to love you only to let you go. I hate the fact that I can’t cry to you, because you’d be clueless of what to do, no better than I would be. Sometimes I feel this is karma getting back at me for "betraying" a friend. I know the truth of the cliche "I love you so much, it hurts". It does, and I have become a full blown masochist.

My family is scared I’d get hurt. My friends are counting the days to when I screw up big time and you’d get tired of me. I’m trying my best to not suffocate you. I apologize, if you are held here against your will. I apologize if I seem manipulative and have in a way held you hostage. I pray that I don’t hurt you, like I know I’m bound to. And I don’t mean for this to be so damned difficult for you to understand. I love you. And I’m trying my damn best to just let go and let God deal with this, to deal with us, to have faith. But at times, fear gets the better of me.

And I don’t want to face the day when I can no longer feel my fingers running through your hair, smell the faint fragrant of your aftershave, hear your voice when you’ve just woken up, lie next to you to watch you twitch in your sleep, laugh at your attempt at trying to keep a straight macho face when I call you "cute", feel your breath on my neck when you’re hugging me real tight from the back, giggle after giving you a butterfly kiss, hit your hand when you’re biting your nails, threaten to not walk any further until you tie your shoelaces (a ploy to get you to carry me), tap you gently when you sleep, check inside your collar to see if you are wearing the bullhead chain I got you for your birthday, scold you for drinking coke only to ask you to get one for me, refuse adamantly at your attempt of getting me on the ice, dance to tacky fast numbers on the radio in your car, Betsy, watch you cringe and say "FORD!" when I call your car Betsy, bite your hand or poke your sides when we’re walking in public, listen to your smart ass remarks or you arguing with Allen or your mom, blame you for the rain and hear you say "It’s all my fault, absolutely horrible", slap you on the arm when you forget something and smile when you say "I’m in trouble, aren’t I?", roll my eyes every time you say "That’s entertaining" or "I find this amusing" - followed by a big grin on your face, and then going on to say "Whaat?" 

I will never be able to prepare myself to say goodbye to you, to end this. I will never be able to forget the first time you held my hand when we were at SatuKali, when we walked in the rain that night, the first time you kissed me in the car, the first time we ‘danced’, the first time we went for a movie together, and most of all, I will never be able to erase from my memory each and every time you hold me tight when I cry and won’t tell you why. How will I ever be able to let go of all that?

I love you, Sayang. And although this is a phrase I frequently use, and people think it’s superficial, I know every time I’m in love whether or not it is genuine from my side, and with you, I know it’s real. It may not be my everlasting love, but cut me up and rip me out, I will bleed love for you. It sounds mushy and cliched, so if anyone reading this is annoyed by it, ignore me. I speak what I truthfully know, what I honestly feel, in the only way I know how. And I wanted to share this with everyone because this is a really important experience in my life. Everything is going so right with you, and in all honesty, I have never been happier or more scared in my life.

Sayang, Thank You.