Rogue Shadow

I read his lips. I know he’s saying SOMETHING, but what does it mean? Is it even English? He continued talking. "Fly planes…Blow stuff up..buy ships.."

Reality check- I’m not going out with no North Korean Mafia. And just like his computer game’s lingo, the rest of him seems so ALIEN to me. (which is what you get when you unscramble IAN n EL). Sometimes I think "I don’t get this guy. I mean, we have almost NOTHING in common. And I know opposite attracts, but shouldn’t there be a common field?

My brother took one look at me when I stepped out of the car and said "You put on weight". Thanx, Ben. You look great, too. "Ha..dah ada pungkuk(ass) dah". Yes, embarrass me in front of the whole family and Ian, why don’t cha?

I took a look at my butt. Shit, he’s right. My thighs also getting big. My arms flabby.

"Am I getting fat?"

"You? Get fat? Gila ke?" my girlfriends told me.

OHHHHHH! But what if I am? What if I can’t fit in my tight jeans anymore? What if I take my clothes off and all he sees is a short naked blimp?!

"What?" he says, raising his eyebrows. "Nothing" is my repeated answer. "You guys have to work on your communication skills". Ben! We speak different LANGUAGES! And what am I supposed to do, run to him every time I gain a pound?!

This is what I’m thinking about every time you ask. YOU. More precisely, LOSING you. Whether it’s because I’ll get fat, or cranky,or boring, or pregnant, or old, or far away…And at the same time, how happy you make me feel. That it won’t matter if I get fat, or cranky, or boring, or pregnant, or old, or far away.

I still don’t understand the things you do. I’ll never understand your computer or card games, your fashion sense(or lack thereof), your taste in music, your culture, your car, your constant nail biting, or your Jessica Alba-drooling. And in all honesty, I don’t plan to. Not now, not ever.

Coz you make me feel like I don’t have to. Because it doesn’t matter if I won’t understand Warcraft and why you’d stay till 3am to play it, so long as I’m able to sit next to you in the library, staring at different monitors, holding your hand.

I love You, Enigma.

Oih. Change is just so hard to deal with, kan? Someone once said that the only persistent thing is change itself. And I’m discovering that this whole change thing, gets harder as we grow up.

It used to be a case where all you had to decide was which ice cream flavour you wanted, or which playground ride you wanna go on. Then it was deciding where to eat(a problem that occurs until now, I must say). Gradually, it was deciding who you want to be your friends, your best friends, your BFF, and well, your BF. And I thought that that was as tough as it could get.

Boy, was I wrong. Now I find that not only I have to make more important decisions, I have to live by its consequences, and learn to deal with other peoples’ decision.

Firstly, selection of our course outline for the next semester. Because there is a variety of interests, invevitably there would be a clash of interest as well. So there was emotional outbursts (hey! Not from me, for the first time!) and exchange of words. There was more tension than necessary of course, but we’re drama students, man. There’s ALWAYS more tension than necessary. We’re still in the midst of discussion.

Then it’s dealing with goodbyes. I used to believe in "Keeping in touch". But as time goes on, it so much easier said than done. Rey Buono, our Head of Department, announced to us that he was leaving. He wishes to retire in Thailand, where he owns a property there, and was offered a teaching job at a local university there, about 10km from his residency. So although his farewell is somewhat premature(he initally intended to retire in 2 years), he’s leaving us this August. I tell you, I’m starting to really hate that month. Firstly, Ian tells me he’s leaving in August. I get all freaked out, and he comforts me by saying he might only be leaving in January after all. And the minute I catch my breath, Ed tells me he’s leaving in August too. Now BUONO?! WE were supposed to leave HIM!

I cried. Like a baby I did. Along with my coursemates, seniors and juniors. "The hardest thing to say in life is Goodbye" Buono said. Damned right, it is. And having to say it to so many of your loved ones in a short period of time, but the separation could last a life time. So much for the world being small. Tell that to those who have to be hundreds of miles apart!

My birthday is coming up (this 14th!), and I’ve been trying to figure out what I want for my birthday. I want my loved ones to stay by me, I don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of my decisions, or other peoples’ decisions, I want the things and people I love to never change. Most of all, I don’t want to have to ever say goodbye.

To Rey and Ed, I’ll miss you guys so very much. Prove me wrong that goodbyes aren’t final. Whatever it is, thank you for being part of my life and for believing in me. All the best in your pursuits of pleasure. I love you guys.