Rogue Shadow

Scene: Ben, me and my new nephew, Firdauz(aka Pidot), at the paediatrician’s (mine when I was a tiny tot) clinic.

Doc: (looks at me) He’s healthy. Just keep him on the breast. He’s fine. Nothing to worry about.

Ben and Me: Err…ok.

Pidot: WAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Me: Give him the pacifier

Doc: No need the pacifier, just put him on the breast.

*long silence…*

Ben: Err…she’s my sister.

Doc: Oh.

If you live in either Bandar Utama, Sunway, Sentul or happen to read the Malay newspapers, then you probably already know that I am now an aunt. That’s right. I am Aunty El. Cool Aunty El. To my brother’s newborn son- Firdauz Juan Benjamin, whom we affectionately call Pidot (I don’t know! Ask my mum!). He was born on September 9th, 9:54pm. (Ultimate Feng Shui Boy, man). Yeah, I know it’s a lil late for this post, but I have been so busy being Makcik Raccoon(coz we all have to stay up and change shifts to take care of him, resulting in eyebags) to put up a post.

He’s this adorable, cheeky, puny boy cum poop factory. He wants to be fed, washed, wrapped up from the cold,sleep all at the same time. A fairly impossible task. But love overcomes the impossible. That and the fact that if he doesn’t shut up, we can’t sleep.

But aunthood is not an easy job. This is our first newborn since 16 years ago, so we’re all like, learning all over again how to care for a baby. Patience is tested, and so is physical strength. But everytime i cuddle him to sleep, this surge of warmth feeling engulfs me. This tiny feeling of motherhood, along with it’s instincts fills me. And I can hardly wait till I become a mum myself.

But caring for Pidot has been a great 2 weeks for me. I still remember the first time I heard that Steph’s water broke. I was putting on make-up for The Shape of Things when Ben called. I just wanted to get the show over and done with so I could go to the hospital. After the show, I turned on my phone and received the great news. Half dressed(in my undies, literally, coz I was changing to my own clothes) I jumped up and down in delight at the news. We (uncle Ian and I) rushed to Naluri Medical Centre in Wangsa Maju (and would’ve gotten lost if it wasn’t for Aaron’s dad. Thank you Aaron’s Dad!).

And there he was, in his bed cot like thingy, this tiny, tiny lil’ guy. "He’s gorgeous" I said, crying, holding on to Ian. I thought to myself "You are growing up to be an Icon".

The reason I say it’s been a great educating 2 weeks is that, well, things don’t always go the way you want. Patience is tested, and sometimes you fail the test. Maybe people are better left living on their own, to settle things themselves. Maybe help isn’t always a good thing. Ben probably needs some time alone being a parent anyway. Will miss Pidot. Let’s just hope Raya won’t be Hell. Or I’m spending it at Ian’s.

p/s: For those of you who’s read my "Please Judge Me By This, and Only This" post, you might have come across my proposed children’s name. Here’s an updated version:

>Niela Aurora_______

>Alaniz Nurya_______

>Mikhael Adam_____

>Keith Eisham______

Yeah, Ian’s running for his life right now.

I know this path, I’ve tread it before

I left my prints on this razor blade shore

I’ve cut myself on my bare sole

And waited for Truth to unfold

This eternal circle on my fragile finger

Reflects your scent that continuously linger

And haunts me in my conscious mind

Relentlessly possess me all through time

Upon my breast the silent mark

Carved a path my heart embarked

To finding faith, and finding friend

To find you waiting at the end

My spirit wanders on a fearful journey

In search of the vocabulary that defines me

To find the courage and strength to accompany

My love for You for the rest of Eternity.

I haven’t been posting anything up lately coz I have been busy rehearsing for my upcoming play- Neil Labute’s The Shape of Things. Also, school’s back for both me and Ian, so every free time I get(if ever), is spent on family or Ian. So, now for the latest update…

I’ve been working on this play for a lil’ more than a month now. It’s a play about love, art and sacrifices in the young ‘uns heart. I play the lead character, Evelyn Thompson, the art grad student that has smitten(no matter HOW I say that word, it always sounds Bri’ish and corny) Adam, a geeky English Lit. junior. Little by little, Adam finds himself changing for Evelyn; physically, mentally, and of course, emotionally. In fact, Evelyn’s presence changes the lives of those around Adam, too. But how much change is too much change? How far are you willing to go for the one you love?

Playing Evelyn’s character is challenging, yet I’m very familiar with her character. I wasn’t the director’s first choice to play Eve. I was maybe their fourth (and last, coz they couldn’t afford to change the player anymore, they were running out of time) choice, but I find that I can really understand her character. I say she’s also challenging because Eve is very brave. She forward, she’s open, she’s blunt, and she’s confident- none of which I am. In terms of her artwork, I wouldn’t do half the things she does(come watch the show to find out what exactly she does). Yet, I agree with most of her views on life and love. And I observed that we all change for the ones we love.

Now although I don’t object to voluntary metamorphosis, I’m not sure if I condone inflicting change upon another person- manipulation; the "If you love me you’ll do this for me, or change for me" followed by "I don’t want to change you, you have to change yourself" (although until they HAVE changed, you’re not talking to them). That last bit is a very hypocritical statement. You expect them to change, won’t talk to them otherwise, but oh, you’re not MAKING them do it. It’s a miserable attempt at being politically correct. My question is, why do we make them, or ask them, or want them to change in the first place? Who was it that we fell in love with? The usual excuse is that love is blind, and you’re wearing rose-tinted glasses for the first few months, but after some time when the glasses are off, you see their true colours.

What is wrong with true colours?! We’re missing the keyword here- TRUE. And yes they always say the truth hurts but would you rather him paint himself a different colour for you? I wouldn’t. I try my best to accept Ian whatever the shades of his wings are, because it doesn’t matter if his butterfly wings are black with electric blue streaks (although I threatened to shave his head if he ever dyed his hair that colour, which he wants to), point is that he’s flying, and who am I to bring him down for a makeover?

But I often ask Ian if he ever feels like I’ve manipulated him. His friends say he has changed a lot for me, and I don’t know if that is something I want. I don’t mind if he’s changing for the better(or worse) as long as it’s something he decided to do. I don’t wanna coax or suggest or plead him to do anything that I want him to. I try my best to avoid it. I don’t like it when my mum does that to me, I sure won’t like it if he tries to pull that on me, so why should I go and do that to him?

Come watch the play. I’m not just saying this for marketing purposes(but if you wanna bring all your friends to the show, you’re more than welcomed to), but ask yourself if we’re doing exactly that to the ones we say we love.

Love is unconditional. Isn’t that what Hallmark’s always telling us?