Disclaimer: This is to set the record STRAIGHT. You can call it a defence, or a pathetic attempt at "clearing my image/name/career" whatever. But a lot of confusion came about regarding this subject matter, and whether or not you choose to believe me is your choice exactly. And for those of you who have a problem with it, a) If you’ve got a problem with me, what the fuck are you doing reading my blog for? And b) Reading this blog is voluntary. Believing my words are voluntary too. So deal with it.
Warning: Long rant ahead!
Before I left for L.A, we were lacking an assistant stage manager for Screwed. I suggested they take Ian in since he’s not doing anything and is familiar with theatre himself, but my director, K wanted to try someone a cast member suggested, and it was one of Ian’s best friends- J. She had once stage managed a semi major professional play in KL, so I agreed that she was more qualified in terms of experience to take on the job. I was also very excited as a friend that called herself Ian’s bigger sister, who called me "Kecil" and told Ian to take care of me was joining the crew.
Upon returning, I found out she was stage managing, as our stage manager left too. And we were assistant stage manager-less again. So I wondered why she didn’t call Ian since she always does when she needs stage hands. I was told they had other more experienced candidates. Fair enough, I thought.
I noticed however, she was very curt with me. When I called "Besar!" to her and hugged her, I received nothing back, except for a very cold "How was L.A?". This continued for a while. Whenever Ian dropped me off and said hi, he too was greeted with a cold shoulder. So, evidently something was making J upset, but she wasn’t telling us.
Now, I have no problems with people being pissed at me, whether or not they have just reasons for it. I don’t mind if they don’t want a confrontation, I myself was avoiding one because we were so close to performance week, I didn’t want to cause a rift. I do however, despise people who don’t wanna tell you straight what’s bothering them, yet at the same time go out of their way to show you they’re not talking to you. I mean, this person was not reading me my notes(she would push them to K-literally), she was not giving me my cues, did not notify me whenever there was a change in schedule, and if the cast were distracting, she wouldn’t say a word to them. Heck, she almost ran me over!
Maybe it’s just my imagination. I ride with K to and from rehearsals. One day, J and K’s car were parked really close. I was making some room in K’s car, arranging the back seat on the passenger’s side. She tries to get in her car, and instead of asking me to move or whatever, pushes the door behind me and practically shoves me into the car. And I know she saw me, coz she was looking directly in my direction. She then went into her car, and without waiting for me to get out of the way (which I did very hurriedly) reversed out and sped off. My foot was hardly out of the way!
So as much as I wanted to walk right up to her and give her a piece of my mind- I kept reminding myself of two things-
that a) the show is just around the corner, and b) she’s Ian’s friend. In fact, I kept apologizing to Ian for I felt that if there was a rift between them, I probably had something to do with it.
Then one night, in the middle of rehearsing my scene- I had a spasm attack. I get these regularly, either caused by gastric pains, cold environment, stress or sometimes totally at random. Last time I performed at KLPac for Shape of Things, I had an attack, and nearly did not perform. Once it was so bad, I was rushed to the Sunway Medical Centre (the attack happened in coll) and 3 docs examined me. One of them a specialist. They didn’t know what to do. They told me to wait it out. It just so happens that Ian had experienced first hand how to handle the situation whenever I get an attack. As a matter of fact, I had most attacks when I was with him, well, he happened to be with me at the time. Experience has taught him how to heal me. My family knows this, so they have no problem with him massaging my chest (general areas of attack also include my back and abdomen). He’s had more experience than anyone else. It was one of the reasons the producers of Shape of Things made him part of the crew, so he can be my medic backstage. A good thing he was too, or I would have had to miss that one show. I had informed K of my health condition, and if anything were to happen to me, that Ian is my person of emergency. Heck, Faridah Merican knows the situation, my mom herself spoke to her.
I don’t know if K had informed the producer, C or J. But when I had that attack, I reminded him of my conditions- this was after J had announced of the backstage tags and how she doesn’t "wanna see any other faces except for you people". I told K we should observe the first 2 days at KLPac. The place is super cold(I had to keep my teeth from chattering when I performed Shape of Things), I was wearing revealing clothes which would make it colder, and in addition, J’s attitude would definitely put me under stress. It’s a high- risk factor. So if for the first 2 days, everything’s good, then there’s nothing to worry about, since it would imply my body’s acclimatized to the cold. However if something did happen, then they must immediately call Ian. Whether or not a doctor was to be brought in, Ian had to be there to heal or explain to the doctor of my condition, since I can’t talk when I’m under attack. He should also be there for the next show(not even the whole of the next day)to observe me. Then whoever’s taking care of me could learn to read the signs of an oncoming attack. Plus, this way, anybody else from the production can observe first hand what to do, and would be able to handle it should I get another attack- Ian would not be needed anymore.
Of course, to observe or heal me, he’d have to do it backstage. The cast knows of my condition, and they know him. Ian is familiar with the rules of backstage. He would not even be entering the dressing room area, for I get ready in the Green Room (the hangout area for actors before a show or during intermission). So I think my request is pretty fair. It’s my health I’m concerned about. Irregular breathing causes cardiac arrest. It’s a serious problem.
What does J say? "No one else is allowed backstage." This was after my elaborate explanation to the cast and crew. "If he’s to be there in KLPac, doe this mean you’re bringing him to Penang?" "I don’t know, I’ve never been to Greenhall, " I said. "If he’s to treat you, do it outside". Ahh, of course. Get Ian to massage my breast in public. Sure! Coz they know of my health condition, kan? "How about the toilet?" someone suggested. Do you REALLY wanna get into trouble with JAIS? Ian’s a GUY in case anyone forgot. "How about in his car outside?" I can hardly breathe to talk, you want me to walk alla way outside?
"Why this exclusion? I’m a member of the cast, am I not?" I asked. They suggested a doctor to be brought in, but like I wrote/said earlier, Ian is needed to brief the doctor. And I said to J "I don’t think Imma put my health in the hands of the person who the last time I had diarrhea, after making me wait for 30 minutes, asked me to wait at the pharmacy for another half an hour because she was still CHATTING with friends. You give me reason to not trust you."
J then replied "This is KLPac protocol." I said "You know better than most people that rules were made for the reasons behind them. It’s the reasons that you must observe. There’s such things as exceptions. You learned this."
Miss C says "Conclusion- no one’s boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, whatever, is allowed backstage." J continues by saying "If she wants to insist, then I will to- it’s my way or the highway".
So I calmly replied- "Then you better start looking for your understudy. Coz I won’t be part of this show anymore. And let’s be honest, J, you’ve been like this toward Ian and I since I came back from L.A." J retorted " I’m being professional. If you wanna take it personally, that’s your problem." "Please," I said, "If you wanna be professional, you’d take care of your artiste’s well-being." And read their notes, and give their call times, and oh, NOT RUN THEM OVER!
I picked up my stuff and said my thanks and apologies to the cast. "Come on, El, wait a minute, let’s try to work this out" they said. And C says "She won’t be part of our play. It’s final." I went to Ian who was waiting outside for me with Adel. Some of the cast came outside to talk to me. "I’m not trying to be emotional, but I’m not risking my life for that kind of treatment from them. I’m really sorry, guys." Ian was pissed as hell. A cast member suggested this rehearsal studio upstairs in KLPac they can bring me to- "It’s private, and we can bring you up with the elevator". "Great, you should suggest it to them."
Later, I called R, the ORIGINAL producer (who also walked out on the production before I did, so something wrong was going on in Screwed, kan?), and he was saying that they were being idiots. "It’s suicide for a producer to say that 3 days before opening!"
At this point, I received a call from J’s phone, but it was K on the line. "We can’t bring you to that studio, coz it’s still considered backstage. But we’ll come to a compromise. What if we brought in a doctor to look after you?" he said.
WAS ANYBODY LISTENING?!
"Let me get this straight, you can bring in a doctor, who IS a stranger to the cast, the world of theatre, and my health condition, but no to Ian who is everything BUT a stranger? What’s the deal? NO, I do not accept. "
Then I hear J’s voice. "Anything else you wanna say, C? K? "
I was on loud speaker. What cowards.
"Elza, we are firing you from the production". How can you fire someone who had already quit? "If you ever get a job in this industry again, we wish you luck."
I laughed. "Thanks, J, but we all know that’s not true. I’ve been in this industry longer than ANY of you have. Good luck to you"
I went to watch the show with Ian. I was really proud of the cast. The people who replaced me were fabulous. I was so relieved. Congratulating them, I saw a friend of mine exit the backstage. He wasn’t part of the crew. "They needed my help, he said". TWO stage managers not enough? And you can get him a tag and add him as a crew member, but not Ian? If Ian were to be my medic, that makes him a crew member, just like the guy doing the lights.
I was also told of how C and another cast member, N were "always making out" backstage. And in Penang, two outsiders (J’s friends) stayed with them at the hotel and helped with the production. I don’t mind them getting help, but if they can include others like that, why exclusion with Ian and Me, a member of the cast?
Pure malice, is all I can think of. Nothing else makes sense. If only J knew how much she had hurt Ian. For that, I’ll never forgive her. She can’t hurt me, this industry knows my work, and knows me personally, I am not obsolete, far from that. But when she hurts someone I love like that, and a friend of hers at that, call me immature, but I WILL hold a grudge against her for that.
What goes around comes around. Better watch your back.
P/s: I told you it’s a long rant. Judge me all you want. This is my truth.
